Tera Zikr

Yeh khudai chod ke
Phir aaja tu zameen pe
Aur ja na kahi
Tu saath reh ja mere.


(Wa fa fa-wey)
To go beside you
Is where I want to be
(Wa fa fa-wey)
To laugh, to love.


Teri fikr hai,
Ya fakr hai
Jab jab karta hoon
Machalta hoon,
Uchhalta hoon
Phisalta hoon
Pagal ki tarah, mastiyon mein
Tehelta hoon, Uchhalta hun, Fisalta hoon.


Tonight with words unspoken
And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning star?

Walking down the boulevard ...

These are the entries on my calendar last year while in college. No editing. :P

August 2010

New college
Hostel
Excessive PMS-ing
Strange food
Late-nights
Academics (!!!)
New people

September 2010

Month II
Let's see.

October 2010

Holidays
Vizag

November 2010

Fun
Food
Cinema
Projects.Are.Depressing.As.Is.Life

December 2010

Exam time
Sem's going to end
Shocking!
Will intern soon ...

Tat tvam asi - Thou art that

I watched this dance programme on TV today, Dance India Dance Doubles, it's such a wannabe name, na, but the show was pretty okay. Point being, however, that Mithun Chakraborty said a really cool couple of lines:

Khud ko jala de itna
Andhere mein rakha kya hai?
Tu hase, toh duniya hase
Akele muskurane mein rakha kya hai?
Banna hai toh suraj ban
Koi aur sitara banne mein rakha kya hai?


The last two lines are the best, it's like this one line I read in a story a very long time back, anything worth doing is worth doing well. I've always had that feeling about things, if you can't do it well, and justify the 'doing', and the effort you put in, what's the point, then you aren't justifying anything at all .. Most people tend to criticise that sort of view, saying it's subversive to trying anything new, because well, since you're new you can't do it well, but my point is, then you work harder and make sure you do it well, also, there is a concept of beginners' luck. :P

The weather right now is just gorgeous; this is spring time, but vestiges of winter remain, and the confusion in the sky over what to be is apparent, and that makes it beautiful, I've seen celestial shades of oranges and blues in just one day. I wish it could be like this forever, but then, maybe I wouldn't think about it this way. 

So fly like a G6

The background of this blog is now a picture of ballet shoes hanging by the window. Yes, you have noticed it now, and probably mentally felt the silky softness of it on your skin, without meaning to. Ballet shoes do that to you. They're gorgeous, aren't they?
I've always thought of ballet as a very, very beautiful dance, and always felt miserable about the fact that I never did learn and will never learn it. How do I know about the future, you ask. I don't. But this is one of those things that you need to have ingrained in you since a very tender age; no movement of the body will be as graceful if learnt at twenty. Because your body needs to be molded and trained like that; you can't fit it into anything and everything, in the case of ballet, literally too: who'd be ready to slip into a tutu randomly? Lol.
I could learn now, I mean, there is time, but I wouldn't want to do something as heavenly with earthy mediocrity. So yes, I've given up on that department. But I can't help wondering how they feel, when they take those pirouettes, fly with those leaps, and practice plies. And wear those clothes and look like that. It's a dream world. 


Coming back to the one I have, the very solid, un-beautiful world that isn't full of ballet academies and theatres, I've been thinking about a lot, arriving at no conclusions, and reaching nowhere. Apart from being uncharacteristic, it's also annoying in its confusion and so I've been left pretty unhappy and muddled. I don't know what the cause of this is, and so all the thinking has failed. I think I'm mentally not adjusted to being back in hostel, with people, pretend-friends, and studies. Also, yesterday I had a discussion with two great guys about the country and that just worsened it, like we're both moving rudderless, wasting a lot of energy. 


I need some inspiration, let's try this poem by Fran Wyant:


Eat rice.
Have faith in women.
What I don’t know now
I can still learn.
If I am alone now
I will be with them later.
If I can be weak now
I can become strong.
Slowly, slowly, if I learn, I can teach others.
If others learn first I must believe they will come back and teach me.

That face

The music resounds

The beat fastens

The moment heightens

And then there is quiet

Then, it’s that one face in the crowd

That one shining, glorious face

Looking at you

You looking at him

And then you dance. 

Kitni dafe dil ne kaha, dil ki suni kitni dafe?

Have you had those times, when suddenly you feel overwhelmed by emotion, and you have to turn away, or move away, and just .. go away from that place? This emotion is of no particular nature, it could be a remembrance, the sight of someone, it's usually never words; I've noticed. It's also neither happy nor sad, it's just strong, and hence the above mentioned responses.

I had one of those in college last week, sitting outside, very randomly ... So I walked away rather suddenly.

You have no idea how healing looking at a road is. Now that the weird statement has been made, let me explain. In my previous house, my room had a balcony attached, and it overlooked a main road, NH-8, no less; so quite invariably, it was a very busy road. People used to ask me, beta, shor se disturb nahi hote? - Being in 12th the purpose of our existence seems to be to study. But I always denied it. Fact is, the constant drone of the cars was ... like music to me, it was a part of living in that room. It didn't seem noisy, disturbing, discordant; it was regular, melodic, and soft. All I had to do was raise my head from my desk, and I could see the endless rows of shiny lights, red and yellow. I'd got so used to it that those odd moments when there was no car on the road, I'd lose focus of what I was reading and wonder what was wrong. But why the magical calming effect? It's probably the fact that no matter what's happened and no matter what's happening, the road is one place that doesn't stop. And people move, quite literally, but also figuratively, brushing aside everything else. Some are born, some die, some lose, some win, but whatever the reason, people travel nonetheless. We don't stop moving just because some project didn't go right, or even if there's a bomb threat in the nearby area. The road's busy, all day and all night.

And sitting there, looking at those people driving away, some of them Punjabis, with very, very loud music playing, it was like the road is the route to escape, that they're also moving away from their problems, probably to another problem, and the drive in between the problem and the destination is the part that offers most solace.

So I went to this little hill in our college, honestly, it isn't a hill, just shaped like one; and I sat, and stared at the road. I saw cars and bikes and cycle-rickshaws, and they all looked so busy and so occupied, like work is the one thing that gives us relief from thinking, and to avoid dwelling on possibly morbid topics, that each one of us seems to have in so much abundance, they'd chosen to concentrate on driving, and on the road. And in a matter of moments, the emotion in me had subsided, and I was ready to go back up to my room and face the next thing life threw at me.