It's Just What I Imagined

Hello all!

I say hello towards the end of my semester. Which means that I'm a little more than one month away from having only two years left to graduate. This fact is like a permanently hovering bubble around me right now since my seniors had their farewell a couple of days ago. Looking at their pictures from their first year and seeing how much they've grown is making me oddly anxious about my own time to leave. And I'm considering the possibility that maybe, just maybe, two years isn't as long as it sounds like, and that perhaps I may feel as emotional as everybody around about leaving this place. I'm considering the possibility that there may be some truth to the idea that living in hostel, at a time when we're all moving towards real adulthood (not the "I'm 16!! I know all about life" - kind) makes strong bonds. 

But until that time comes, I'm not going to know, am I? So let's not worry about it. 

So yesterday when I was out, I saw this little girl sitting behind her father on a scooter and I remembered the times in my childhood when I used to sit on the scooter behind ma or pa. I used to sit backwards, which meant that I could look at the vehicles coming towards us, veering to one direction or another, and I could even look into the cars behind us and the people inside talking or eating or whatever. And I used to find it most entertaining. Obviously, I used to hate traveling in cars because you were in this cooped-up, little metal box; there's no ease of movement, no wind, less visibility of the fun things on the road. I think that's when I decided that I would buy a motorbike when I started working. I hope that when I actually do get a job, I still have the courage to go ahead and spend that much money on a vehicle that is considered unsafe, doesn't provide safety from the weather and has this whole 'risky driving' tag associated with it. 

Anyway, listen to Lost In My Bedroom by Sky Ferreira.

So happy here 

Everything's fine 

It's crystal clear 

It's just what I imagined 

'Who do you think you are?'

I'm always complaining about how I don't post often enough. And it makes me feel like a jerk. Cos if I'd really wanted to, I would've posted. But I wonder why that is not the case.

So anywayzz I'd gone down south to Visakhapatnam for a typical south-Indian style shaadi, which have now very conveniently absorbed ceremonies like sangeet and mehndi. Either way, it was fun. And boring. The girl was 20 and the dude was 24. And because I was the oldest girl after her, I got 'treated' to a lot of 'teri shaadi mein' comments. Like, a lot of them. And because my sister's only twenty, it made them all the more real. And I couldn't help but think of marriage. Needless to say, I did not like what I thought. I think it's a terrifying idea to live with some random person. A man, at that. And the fact that you're supposed to share your life(!), as opposed to a room or a bathroom or whatever. I have no idea how people do it.

I also went paragliding, and discovered it was rather overhyped. Well, yeah I was in the sky and just hanging around under a boomerang shaped glider, still, no thrill. Not much, anyway.

We're in a really chill phase at college; not much to do except project presentations, which are for us Law students, a very simple matter of bagchodi. Meanwhile, India has won 2 of three Tests against West Indies, and drew the third one today, very stupidly, on the last ball, because of the ingenuity *rolls eyes* of Ashwin. And Nadal lost to both Federer and Tsonga. Very bad time. Sports wise.

Also, listen to Priscilla Ahn, she's very pretty and has a great voice. Also Sheldon (TBBT?) is becoming more and more normal, and I hate that. Make him un-normal, please. And make him date Penny? 

Give me joy in my heart, keep me loving, loving, loving

So tomorrow I have my political science presentation.
So tomorrow I have to get my term paper printed.

Remember we used to sing/recite these really corny songs when we were in junior school? I just remembered one that ended with 'Thank you God for everything'. I still remember how we, as little children, with cute voices used to say those lines in the same tune, in the most bored, yet eager to please tone, the same things every day in assembly. I hardly had assemblies in middle and senior school. But I miss singing the national song and 'We shall overcome, someday' - the angrezi version of Hum honge kamyaab. Oh, and marching class, which we all used to crib so much about. It feels so weird to think of those things now; they seem aeons away, like a different life. Perhaps it was a different life.

When people say things like I miss being a kid, and I want to be like that again; naive and trusting etc., I can't quite agree with them. I mean, you're smarter now, and you're allowed to do more things (lol), then why would one complain? We lose our sense of carelessness, they say. Accepted. But about the rest, it's just that we become more insecure of ourselves. That is the only change that really makes us different from how we were when we were kids. From insecurity come jealousy, envy, competitiveness, cautiousness (so you don't lose your position of superiority) and other 'adult' issues. We probably think we have to prove ourselves and our worth to others, but I fear that it's mostly ourselves we want to convince.

Just believe more in yourself, and don't always quantify everything, and you'll be cool.

Try karo.

P.S. Nadal beat Murray, yayy!

Veritas

I'm listening to the same
new songs on the radio
while acting unconvincingly
that I'm studying;
'rate of population growth', 'job creation targets' ..

(Don't say alvida ... )

Two weeks left, I tell myself
Down from a month. Down from a year!
Its no more a put-off-able eventuality.
Its on my head:
Right here. Right now.

(Na kaho alvida ... )

My mom doesn't want me to leave Delhi.
I'm waiting to leave. Doesn't seem so likely now.

(Aj din chadeya ... )

I wonder if its true,
When most people say they miss home
when they leave.
I doubt I will. I'm known
to myself to be quite un-sentimental.

I'm not missing school either.
Or the 'friends'.

(Zinda hoon main ... )

This life of inertia pleases me.
They say I'm not ambitious.
But I am: I don't want
to work; hard or otherwise. (Doesn't that count?)

(Aj dil gustakh hai ... )

I want to be at my leisure. Always.
I want the security of a routine. Of
free time.

(Chidiya ghar se pakde hain ... )

Edging out rivals was never my thing.
Sometimes most things aren't.
Sometimes most things are.

I look at the calendar.
Two weeks left!

(Wake up Sid ... )

*Switches off radio*
*Opens a book*