'I shot for the sky, but I'm stuck on the ground'

So I know it's been so loo-ong since I last wrote. Soz. Let me begin by saying that I HATE the new Blogger layout, it's probably why I haven't even tried to write here. The second reason being my super-awesome *rolls eyes* wi-fi at hostel. Needless to say, I'm home now, for the Dussehra break. College was excruciating the first month - three projects, the internal moot selection and first term exams. Now it's a 'lean period', so as to speak. But I've noticed I look forward to coming home on weekends, something I didn't do earlier. Even my friends have noticed.

So something really funky happened yesterday. You may not agree with the term 'funky' when you know what happened, but let's not digress. I was hanging out with my wingmates last night, a group of five girls when the topic suddenly changed to guess what - me. So my roommate said something about me that the others didn't know about, and then they were all like, so how come we didn't know that types. And then my roommate said that I never revealed stuff about me to people. That even during the most elaborate conversations what I say is regular random stuff while people are actually talking more real stuff. That I talk trivialties and make people think I'm being friendly and also give them the feeling that I'm close to them.

I have to admit I was more than shocked to hear that. It was said in a jocular way, but I couldn't help feeling like I was some sort of a scheming, manipulative person who learnt about people without letting them in on anything. That got me thinking, and well, for the most part, it's true. I don't let people in on stuff. I don't tell them my feelings about the most significant things. My conversation thrives on humour and random comments. I have issues with expressing affection. I know that. But I never quite put it the way she did last night. Also, I don't think I'm vamp-ish and manipulative. But then that part is kinda subjective.

I hope that's not how people think of me.

But let's stop with the emo crap now. Have to go eat donuts!

P.S. The title is a song I love, and have been listening to non-stop since yesterday. No connection to the post.

And All Over Again,

I went to the Shani temple yesterday. Saturday's the auspicious day apparently. I have no idea why I subject myself to such things; I always come out of them complaining. I watched in utter blankness and complete marvel as tens of literate, most even educated people pour cups of oil and black sesame along with flowers on the idol. I can't begin to imagine the invasive, expansive reach of the concept of god, so much so that otherwise perfectly logical people can do such illogical things and believe that they'll have some effect.

It's amazing.

Meanwhile, I'm still surprised at how I'm forever looking forward to some sort of Hindi soap-like 5 year jump in my life. When I was in the tenth grade, I wanted to get to the proper studies of 12th. When 12th grade began, I couldn't wait to give my entrances and join college. Now that one year of college is over and I have a fair idea of what the rest of the stay is going to be like, I can't wait to start working. I try to remind myself of all of those Osho like sayings which tell you to live in the present and shit, but they're not helping. I don't like being dissatisfied with where I am, but this really peculiar want to just skip the bits that I can kinda predict - is unsettling. If this continues I'll be looking at retiring as soon as I start working. And the idea of that, needless to say, is not pleasant.

And so I'm listening to Puke - Eminem. Don't ask.

So fly like a G6

The background of this blog is now a picture of ballet shoes hanging by the window. Yes, you have noticed it now, and probably mentally felt the silky softness of it on your skin, without meaning to. Ballet shoes do that to you. They're gorgeous, aren't they?
I've always thought of ballet as a very, very beautiful dance, and always felt miserable about the fact that I never did learn and will never learn it. How do I know about the future, you ask. I don't. But this is one of those things that you need to have ingrained in you since a very tender age; no movement of the body will be as graceful if learnt at twenty. Because your body needs to be molded and trained like that; you can't fit it into anything and everything, in the case of ballet, literally too: who'd be ready to slip into a tutu randomly? Lol.
I could learn now, I mean, there is time, but I wouldn't want to do something as heavenly with earthy mediocrity. So yes, I've given up on that department. But I can't help wondering how they feel, when they take those pirouettes, fly with those leaps, and practice plies. And wear those clothes and look like that. It's a dream world. 


Coming back to the one I have, the very solid, un-beautiful world that isn't full of ballet academies and theatres, I've been thinking about a lot, arriving at no conclusions, and reaching nowhere. Apart from being uncharacteristic, it's also annoying in its confusion and so I've been left pretty unhappy and muddled. I don't know what the cause of this is, and so all the thinking has failed. I think I'm mentally not adjusted to being back in hostel, with people, pretend-friends, and studies. Also, yesterday I had a discussion with two great guys about the country and that just worsened it, like we're both moving rudderless, wasting a lot of energy. 


I need some inspiration, let's try this poem by Fran Wyant:


Eat rice.
Have faith in women.
What I don’t know now
I can still learn.
If I am alone now
I will be with them later.
If I can be weak now
I can become strong.
Slowly, slowly, if I learn, I can teach others.
If others learn first I must believe they will come back and teach me.

Down Down Down

CLAT mein gang rape ho gaya.

Rank 623. I'm positive there's been a mistake; I had done well. Truly. But the concept of re-evaluation doesn't exist in such entrances. So everybody is helpless. I can only thank God I'm nearly through National Law University Delhi. I have a law college to go to; and one that is very good. Otherwise I'd have had to go Delhi University, where doubtlessly I'd have been in an awesome college because of good board results but I wouldn't have been doing Law.

So I guess I shouldn't complain. Still, the human heart always desires more. Its worse because I felt I deserved it. Anyway, no point cribbing irrationally.

Listening to 'So gaye hai' from Zubeidaa. What a pitiful contrast from this morning :P

Will wake up to a new day tomorrow. =)

(Not so) Random Ramblings: The Big A's

Heya!

There is scarcely one of us out there who has, at no point of childhood or adolescence, been asked about what s/he wants to do in life. I present no exception.

So I want to today, in written form acknowledge my Aims and Aspirations. Truth is, one never really knows about this, but one always has some kind of a vague understanding, if one judges their own behaviour.

I think aspirations consist of the values that are unbending to you: I want to be happy, I want to be powerful, or I want to leave my mark on the world. While aims are more defined achievements which help in fulfilling our aspirations.

Let me first talk about the more narrow career-oriented aims that are seemingly more important in today's world. I, as a child (till about 4th grade) wanted to be a doctor. I believe, on later thought, that this was because my father wanted to be a doctor too, and my grandmother always mentioned this to me. Then suddenly I realised that I didn't want that, and then for a year I had no 'aim'. This was followed by a long phase of wanting to be everything. I doubt there is a career I did not consider. From food technology to biotechnology to oceanography to entomology to anthropology ................. Yet there is one that I never planned to do: engineering. I'm fully certain that this is because I come from a family of engineers. My grandfather is an engineer, his two daughters are engineers, they were both married off to engineers, whose brothers too were engineers. This is my immediate blood family. If you look at my culture, the south of India, it is considered the most prestigious degree. I have reason to believe that even if my mother and her sister wanted to do something else, they will not have been allowed. This probably caused some sort of a repugnance in me towards it.

As for aspirations, I want to lead a life free from fear; of any sort. I don't want to be scared about what others think, about the effects my actions will cause, about when my boss will feel I have nothing to contribute, and also insecurity about my abilities. I never want to be hindered from doing anything by thinking about the consequences. People say we have a short life (I personally don't believe that, let us arguendo take it to be true), then why should we waste time and energy listing the pros and cons of each thing? Just do what you want to do, and have the courage to face what it results in, without attracting the ire of society. It cannot be all that bad if we do have a sort life, right? Everything will be over quickly then.

I once had a friend who, when he was little, wanted to be a truck driver. It amused his mother and other elders to repeatedly ask him that and laugh at it. Indeed it was funny. But usually, most of us want to do very grandiose things when we're children, but get over all such notions by the time we enter our teens. Its exceedingly rare to see someone who still believes that s/he can do anything, and everything. I have one particular friend who till date has multiple ambitions - musician, economist, international affairs strategist among others. And he believes that he can do all that, which is truly remarkable. He has avoided being bogged down by the relentless negativism of society; avoided being affected by all the supposedly mature and wise people who tell you to dream in your childhood, and instruct you to dismantle and discard them when you grow older. Its like the Samsung advertisement Aamir Khan did some time back - bachpan mein to itni cheezein karna chahte the, toh ab kyun nahi? or some equivalent tagline.

Today, I resolve to always and forever believe in myself and my abilities, even if it means to magnify them a little, as there is nothing that one cannot achieve if one tries hard enough .

Obviam excellentia!